Cam in Despair
by The Queen Of Mischief
Summary: Cam despairs while the crazy squints try and find her a nickname. Has the world gone completely insane? Much of the fic is acredited to Lady Merlin. R&R. Enjoy!


**Chapter 1**

"Cam?" asked Dr. Brennan one day. "We need to find you a nickname."

She glared at her.

Oblivious, Brennan continued "How about Camcam?"

Zack piped up, "How about Camaroni? Then we can be the macaroni twins and complete soul sistahs!" he pronounced it strangely, like one of those online dictionaries that help with pronunciation as if he could not bring himself to destroy the word.

Cam gave him a long, hard look, while everyone else just plain stared at him. Zack looked blank. "What's wrong? It's a term of endearment commonly used by African American females."

"Did you just call me black?"

"No. I called you African American."

"HE CALLED ME BLACK!"

Zack looked vaguely panicky. Not a good idea to call your boss black. Bones took pity on him and sent him off to clean some…you guessed it! Bones!

"Back to the topic of priority…" said Brennan. "What can we call you?"

Cam almost suggested that her mom used to call her 'Teddy', but realized how she was just about to ruin her life forever, and shut her trap.

Angela suggested 'Hunbun'. Cam stared at her, aghast. "Ugh, iwww. What would happen if Jack was calling _you_ Hunbun, and I thought he was talking to me, and I would end up in a closet where you two were doing...you know. I am not taking that risk. I value my mental health."

Jack and Ange exchanged a private snigger.

Zack popped back in. "I've been thinking. How about 'Mr. McDimples'?"

They all stared at him. He looked defensive but said nothing.

Cam looked furious. "First you call me black, now you call me a MAN?! Is that what I look like to you? A black _man_?"

Zack looked like it was the first time he had actually thought about it like that. "Oh. OH. Sorry."

Cam rolled her eyes.

"How about Boots? Or Fuzzles? OR FUZZLY BOOTS?" Angela, who else?

Brennan looked delighted yet somewhat scared.

Cam looked despairing. Hodgins just laughed. Zack still looked thoughtful.

Zack said "I've heard this name, and I don't know where it's from, but I think it would be the best nickname! Kleenex!"

Cam groaned as if in agony. "Shut up!" Brennan asked, looking concerned "Are you going in labor? What's wrong?"

Cam wanted to go 'rawr' and start beating them with a femur. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I am not a pregnant black man! You're fired! ALL OF YOU!" there was a pause in which she realized she could not manage without those stupid squints, and sheepishly said "And now you're unfired. But call me a pregnant black man one more time, I swear, whether I need you or not, you're all fired."

Hodgins suggested "I like jelly donuts." Randomly. Everyone stared at him. He rolled his eyes as though they were all stupid. "You can be Jelly!"

Cam felt like dying.

"I had a dog once called 'Fuff'. I think my brother ate it." Said Zack. Everyone stared at him. Brennan sensed a giant pit of black despair in Zack's unfortunate childhood and decided to inch around it carefully.

Hodgins said in a low gravelly voice, "How about…Skeletorrrrrr?"

There was a convenient strike of thunder outside. "You have got to be kidding me." Said Cam in disbelief.

"SPAM!" cried Zack randomly. Cam ignored him. "Sea Chimp 224." Said Hodgins.

"You name your sea chimps?" she asked incredulously.

"How about Joe, AKA scarab beetle number 74." Zack. That nutjob.

Just then, Peter from next door popped in and said "Hey, couldn't help but overhearing your conversation, and I thought I might pitch in. my mom used to call me 'Cinnamon Chicken Roll', 'Peach Pie' and occasionally, 'Bubblegum'. But we have to conveniently ignore the fact that she was on crack at that time, but hey, it was meant in love." With that, he vanished.

"That was random." Commented Angela.

Suddenly, Booth walked in, wet. "What's all this I hear about spam, food nicknames and pregnant hairy black men? The whole place is going crazy. By the way, hey squints. And Cam."

"THAT'S IT!" cried Brennan. "It's the perfect nickname! CAM!"

Everyone in the lab wholeheartedly agreed. Booth looked confused. "Have I stepped into some weird squint ritual here?"

Hodgins was turning rapidly red. Zack looked content, yet still puzzled.

Brennan had a vague niggling feeling that something wasn't quite right, but ignored it and basked in the glow of accomplishment that finding Cam a nickname provided.

Cam sighed. "Crazy freaking squints." She left the room, kicking the door behind her.

"Bye, _Cam_!" said Zack, emphasizing her 'new' nickname. She gave him the finger. Zack looked confused and replicated the gesture to Booth. "What does that mean, Booth? Is it some antiquated male ritual or symbol?"

Booth face-palmed. "I can't take this anymore. I'm going to get a coffee."

"I'll come with you," volunteered Hodgins.

"NO! No squints, with your weird, smart-ass squint talk. Go away."

"Take it up with your therapist, Booth." Said Brennan. He glared.


End file.
